Therapy was difficult yesterday. I’ve been stuck inside for the past few weeks, fearing who knows what. When I told my t, he was upset. He had given me the homework of going outside and allowing the anxiety to wash through me, not going back inside until the fear was gone. It totally slipped my mind. I never even thought about it.
We discussed some of my beliefs that drive my dysfunction, such as the belief that I’m a cosmic mistake. We discussed how I see myself through my mothers eyes, and how I’m not a mistake, I’m just unlucky.
I don’t know how these beliefs are going to change, I’ve had a lifetime of nurturing them. I guess I should not worry about that, instead I should just take it one step at a time.
I’m supposed to invent a protective presence this week that will come to my aid, help me get out of the house, “talk” me through the rough spots. This is my homework.
We discussed the shame that I feel surrounding my grandfather’s death. That was hard. I felt unconditional love from him, a love that I felt from no one else. He developed multi infarct dementia late in life. It rotted his brain much like Alzheimer’s does. I didn’t know how to handle it. I became frightened of him even though I was an adult.
I remember the first time he forgot who I was. It was like a knife to the heart. Later on, I didn’t even try to communicate with him. I feel guilty to this day for that.
I watched as this disease? disorder? stripped him of his dignity and pride. I watched him retreat into a place within himself, trapped, imprisoned with no way out.
He died in the nursing home within a month of his admission, at 87 years old. I dreamed that he was reunited with my grandmother who had passed 10 years before. She appeared in the house that they lived in, grampa was sitting in his chair watching TV. He turned and saw her. He got up and walked to her with his arms open wide, saying, “I’ve missed you so much!” and she enfolded him in her arms, saying “I know, I’ve missed you too” And I woke up, crying.
