struggles

As I was pondering how I would answer if someone asked me how I was doing, I thought it really wouldn’t matter what I said, it would be a lie. I’ve always claimed to be just fine when anyone has asked me how I’m doing, even if I’ve been contemplating suicide every day for the past week.

When I was a kid, I got in trouble for expressing feelings. Sometimes I was mocked for expressing my feelings or they were just blown off.

I got the clear message that my feelings get me into trouble and do not matter. I wonder if I really am in touch with my feelings, or if I just dismiss them out of hand, until they grow so big I can no longer ignore them?

It occurred to me that the identity that I’ve carried has been the scapegoat. I don’t know how to be any other. I despise this role. I am so afraid of failing when I try to wiggle out of my scapegoat armor into the competent,sane/healthy armor.

If I fail, then what? It affirms t hat I am truly the scapegoat and failure that everyone thinks I am. And then what?

So this terrifies me, this losing the old clothes and donning new, uncomfortable attire. I don’t know if I can do it.