I’ve been working hard in therapy. I punish myself. Whenever I begin to feel good in any way, something within me rises up and beats up on my self until I’m cloaked in depression and shame.
We’re trying to figure out why I do this. What has been coming to mind is I’m doing it for atonement. I know that atonement doesn’t mean self abuse or self punishment, but I think I’m on the right track here.
I think that by beating up on myself, continuing to punish myself it makes me and my life acceptable. There is no good in me, I can’t feel good, so I have to stay in the pain and loneliness and shame. I can’t love myself.
When I try to love myself, that part of me, the ego in ACIM speak, wars with the self and beats it down. I’m not strong enough to overcome this. Not at all. So how do I get out of this and do I really want to?
Today I feel lonely and depressed. I wanted some support so I posted on the AA forum, I doubt I’ll get any responses. In fact, I’m going to check and delete if there aren’t any. Sometimes I feel ashamed for reaching out for help, and I feel too naked right now. The forum regulars there are so damn intelligent and quick witted. I’m not. I feel outsmarted and stupid there most of the time. I don’t always get the humor, either. I’ve made an ass of myself there already.
I feel insignificant, lonely and unworthy.
