TWLOHA

To Write Love On Her Arms.  I ran across that web site a long time ago and was really touched by what I saw.  I’m way, way too old for them;  their ministry is for young people who are depressed, who hurt themselves,  not old ladies like me.

TWLOHA  are full of compassion and love and their mission is to reach out in love and get help for those who need it the most.

SI can be so scary, so stigmatizing for a lot of people, they are repelled by what they see when they see the marks, the scars.  So if only someone could write Love on their arms….that they came up with that idea, it just fills me with hope for those people, the ones that they reach.  I have never, ever heard anyone react with compassion to SI. Thank you, TWLOHA, thank you for busting the stigma, for acting with love and compassion, for saving lives.

I want to shout out to the hill tops, to everyone that I see, this is love in action!

Thank you TWLOHA!!!

Check the website out and if you like what you see, consider supporting the ministry.

 

fail…

Yet again I bit off  more than I could chew and I had to rip out the lace.  It’s just too hard, takes more concentration than I can muster now.

I went to the Opera today. Of all places,  I went to the opera.  With my daughters.  My youngest daughter and I got my oldest daughter tickets to see Casanova’s Homecoming for her birthday.  It was pretty funny.   Our tickets were cheap seats, so it was hard to see.  They had the words projected on a small screen above the stage, even though the opera was in English  it was still hard to understand at times, but I couldn’t see a lot of the time because of the seating.

But it was funny.  Lots of plot twists and turns.  The story line was strange.  More than I can describe now.  I got a chance to dress up and get out of the house, which was very good for me.  I’ve been very isolated.

My sisters and kids have joined facebook, like everyone else on the planet it seems.  I have avoided it because it just seems like an exercise in humiliation to me.  I would have no one to “friend” so I just see no point,  and this would embarrass me when my family would see my total lack of friends when they add me to their contacts or “friend” me or however that works.  They have been pressuring me to join anyway because it’s “fun.”

So I decided to set up an account.  Went through the process, declining the offers to find friends/contacts for you because it would be an exercise in futility.  Added my family as friends, etc.  Then got to the part where they suggest friends for you.  That’s when I realized how small my world has become and how rich my families lives are because they suggest you add the friends of those you have added as friends to your facebook page.   And I felt so hopelessly alone and so fucking embarrassed by how I’ve lived.

So I deleted the account, emailed those whom I friended to tell them that I just deleted the account and wished I hadn’t done it to begin with.

One of my sisters isn’t talking to me lately, either and I have no idea what I did to piss her off, I will likely never know. She is a drama queen, used to being the Queen of her Castle and is sometimes very passive aggressive.  I guess she now communicates via facebook.  Oh well.

We were discussing in therapy last session about how little support I’ve gotten over the years from my family.  How that’s made it very difficult for me to trust.   I need to let go at some point, just stop expecting what they cannot give and then I’ll stop getting hurt.  You’d think I’d learn after all these years.

These are the people who I consider my support system, and I’m just now realizing that they are no support, not at all.  I’m afraid that I can’t change, I’m afraid to change.  I can’t live like this anymore, it hurts too damn much.  I’m afraid to trust anyone.

losing it

I’m into the thick of it now. I’m depressed. Thought I could keep it at bay but not this time.

I’m trying to knit some lace for my daughters.  Print O’ The Wave and Swallowtail Shawl’s.  I’ve started and ripped them many, many times over.  I think I have it down now.  I’m using lace weight yarn from Knit Picks in a teal color, can’t remember which one, for the Print O’ The Wave shawl

and Elan’s Silken Kydd in pink for the Swallowtail shawl.

I’m not too sure if I’m going to keep the Swallowtail shawl going, I’m not that pleased with how it’s turning out on the size 6 needles.

Knitting these lace patterns with their fine lace yarn is taking concentration that I don’t have.  But I really want to learn how to do this.  Knitted lace is so beautiful.  If I can put a little of myself, and my love for my daughters into this lace…

(BTW, the pictures are not mine, Print O The Wave if taken from Eunny Jang’s excellent web site, eunnyjang.com, the swallowtail shawl pic is from www.befogged.co.uk) When I get enough done, maybe I’ll take a pic and post my progress.

My goal is to give them something from me that is worthy and beautiful.  I want to give something to my son’s as well, but I haven’t figured out what.  There is a pattern for a knit blanket called “Hemlock Ring” that they might someday appreciate.  Key word, some day.

Youngest son had the flu last week, I’m sure it was H1N1 as DH and both DS’s had the seasonal flu shot earlier this year.  He is still run down and coughing, sore throat, no energy but no more fever.  I’m worried about him.  I think he should see the doc.

As I was waiting for him when he was getting his hair cut last night, I noticed once again that it is impossible for me to read or do anything when there are people around.  The noise and commotion fill my head, it’s impossible for me to tune it out.  I just give up.

Made snickerdoodles tonight from the America’s Test Kitchen Family Cookbook, and it is the best snickerdoodle recipe that I have ever tasted!  I’ll be shocked if they last through tomorrow.

My sister was here a few nights ago.  She married well.  I guess that’s a good way to put it.  As long as she stays married, she wont hurt for money.  We, on the other hand, have struggled in this area most of our married lives.  And now with the downturn in the economy we are struggling yet again.

I have given up my harp and my guitar, two things that have defined me.  We are filing bankruptcy when we can pay the lawyer, isn’t there a certain irony in that?  I don’t talk about this to anyone.  A lot of people are struggling now.  It just IS.

So  anyway, my sister comes over in her new Passat, dressed to the nines and I’m in torn up sweats, she has her new laptop so she can show me this new notation software that she bought for $100 that she can plug into her baby grand electric piano. She doesn’t know that I don’t have my guitar  anymore, that I had to sell it so we could make ends meet…she knows that I had to sell my harp, though…she had just come back from a vacation in Colorado and Wisconsin, and yes, I’m happy for her.  But  I just could not muster up any enthusiasm at all for her.

I’m ashamed to admit that all I could think of were the times that I’ve shown quite a lot of generosity toward her and others, just because I loved them and I could.  Times that I gave them things like sewing machines, good, working, sewing machines, not junk.  Stuff like that, and how it just didn’t matter. I will never, ever bring it up.  I didn’t give them stuff to get anything out of it.  I did it because I wanted to do it. But that generosity has never been reciprocated.

That old saying, what goes around, comes around just isn’t true.  It just isn’t true.

And I think that I’m tired of this life.  I really am tired if this life.  I can’t do this anymore.

my education

I’ve had the Alan Parson’s Project stuck in my brain for 3 days now.  The songs, The System of Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether, and The Raven.  Just what you need to make you feel better, just what you need to make you feel…you’re in need of Dr. Tarr and Professor Fether…Doth Quoth the Raven….Evermore….

It occurred to me that I got my Edgar Allen Poe education via the Alan Parson’s Project and my classical music exposure via Looney Tunes.  Pretty pathetic.

I should update about the school situation but I don’t want to do it right now.  I’m pretty depressed.  Not about the school stuff, that seems to be moving forward in a positive way actually, but I’m drained and depleted and heading into a difficult time of year anyway.

I’m lonely, isolated, stuck, and depressed and see no way out.  I’m not sleeping well.  I don’t want to live like this anymore.