DH’s hand looks almost normal now. He really dodged a bullet. His hand was so infected and he had a fever along with the grotesque swelling. The area of redness had spread half way up his arm before the medication finally kicked in. He should have had surgery but I believe that he refused.
I continue to be very disturbed by my reaction. I can understand some of it. I was very worried and I believe this is understandable. I was also very angry with him for letting it go. Also understandable. But not the out of control behavior.
I’m wondering if I am possibly still experiencing withdrawal from the Effexor, is my addled brain still reeling from discontinuing the med? Or is this proof that I really do need to be medicated?
This has brought to light issues that I really need to take care of, such as my unhealthy dependence on DH, the need for me to become independent, the thin line that I’m walking between sanity and insanity. I thought I was stronger.
I’m afraid for the next real crisis, what the hell am I going to do to take care of my boys, DH and myself? This has to change.
Quitting therapy right now is a bad idea. I am going to have to put my discomfort aside and be brutally honest with t about lots of things, I’m going to have to push the tears aside and just grit my teeth and spit it out. I feel that I have not time to pussy foot around, I need to work on this NOW. I haven’t been dishonest with t about anything. But there are issues such as our talk of religion, my feelings of being blown off, that will need to be resolved.
My inclination is to run when I feel rejected, but I know that DBT works if the tools are used. My t has had insights into my issues that no other t has had before. He has a way of validating me that I’ve felt from no other. But he ain’t perfect. I think I piss him off and that he’s giving up on me. I need to voice this.
I put on 600 miles on the car this weekend. I chose to just drive when my emotions ran too high. I ran away. I’m so conflicted, so many emotions. I think I’m falling apart.
