(catching up, written on 4-1-09)
I was in a foul mood today. It was strange, it started out ok, but my mood was swinging fast and hard. I finally left. Went driving alone at night. Drove 200 miles.
I’m seriously thinking about quitting DBT and therapy. I should say good-bye to one of the people there, first. I feel I owe her that.
(The following is what I perceived, and is not necessarily the message intended by t):
I’m feeling like t has pulled the rug out from under me. I was beginning to validate within myself that I have legitimate reasons for being fucking nuts. T basically said that I’m just like anyone else. Lots of people have emotion mind thoughts that keep them down. He doesn’t know what percent, but lots.
I should have listened to my inner wisdom and stopped going to church. I have no right to be angry with God. Shouldn’t have expected God to work miracles in my life. It was an unreasonable expectation that God would bless me with friendships within His Body. The way of Jesus is the way of the cross and rife with pain and suffering, DUH I shouldn’t have expected anything less.
If I dissociated the other day, it’s because I read a book about it. I don’t recall sharing with him any books about dissociation, but what the hell.
(My thoughts) It’s just me. There is something intrinsically wrong with me, that’s not mental illness or diagnosable or worthy of a label, I’m one of society’s pieces of trash. I’m wasting resources.
I’m really hoping that DH takes the boys to visit his parents so I can be alone. I’m feeling very self destructive right now, hearing that siren song and it’s irresistible.
