(4-3-09)
DH isn’t out of the woods yet. If his hand isn’t noticeably better by tomorrow evening, he has to have surgery. Doc thinks he has an abscess. He told DH to soak it 4x daily in Dreft but DH “forgot” about it until I asked him if the doc wanted him to do any think like soaking it. Why? Why does DH refuse to ACT unless someone TELLS him to? I get pissed off all over again and go to the store to buy the damn Dreft.
I’m thinking more rationally today. I am embarrassed by my freak out. I feel very fragile though. Tears and another freak out are just under the surface. I’m very tired.
I think that some of this weird over-reaction also has to do with the fact that the boys and I are so very dependent on DH for everything that I really freak out when that is threatened in any way. I need to become independent, I really need to be able to provide for us. I’ve been emotionally dependent on him ever since I met him. I didn’t realize how strong that still is. I feel so frantic when I feel that he might be taken away from me. I can’t even name the emotion, but it’s a terrible feeling, a panicked, hysterical, terrified feeling. It’s primal. I am ashamed of this. It’s not normal or healthy.
I’m worried that if DH does need surgery, which will be done out patient but under general anesthesia in the CITY, where I am totally unfamiliar and have no idea where anything is or where I’m going, I’m worried that DH wont be able to tell me how to get home due to the anesthesia, and I wont be able to figure it out. But this is a few days away, IF it happens at all. I need to stay present, in THIS moment.
I’m disturbed by how easily I spun into some very dangerous thinking and actions.
Just some thoughts on calling T for help yesterday. I honestly don’t even remember what I told him, I think I remember most of what he told me. The big thing is, I called. I really HATE calling for help. Just making the call, knowing that someone actually gave a shit, at least at that moment anyway, grounded me a little, brought me down. Hearing the voice of reason brought me down. When I found myself ruminating, I could hear T’s voice telling me to focus on other things so I don’t ruminate.
