T thinks I’m possessed, or influenced by spirits. Well, that’s one hypothesis, it’s as good as any I suppose. This thought makes me giggle and seems absurd in one sense, considering my total change of heart in matters of spirit. In another sense, the old fundie, charismatic ghosts whisper that possession makes total sense, considering how far I’ve strayed and what I’ve dabbled in.
Therapy felt like battle tonight. I wanted T to affirm my experiences with the church as being spiritually damaging. T refused to blame the church for anything, rather he blamed me for not listening to my inner wisdom. I felt unheard and attacked. I feel the church bares at least some responsibility for my experience. Especially since I was very green and did “all the right things.” T didn’t seem to think so. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just full of shit.
T also said something puzzling….I said that I felt attacked by him and he said something to the affect of I’m not attacking him, how could he be attacking me? I said, “I’m attacking your beliefs.” I don’t get it. Why was he arguing with me about my feeling of being attacked?
On to my inner critic, or emotion mind thoughts or whatever the hell it is. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s too hard. I feel like my experience with it is minimized when it is reduced to being merely “emotion mind thoughts.” I want to give up and give in to them. I’m too tired to fight them anymore. They are too strong and I am felled by their relentlessness, by the way they crush my spirit. But they are merely thoughts, judgements. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t care what’s wrong with me. I’m embarrassed to have brought it up.
I’m going to be alone this weekend. I’m already planning. Actually, I’m of many minds here. What shall we call this part of me…seeker of sanity wants to call T and tell him that I’m already making plans to at least indulge in a target behavior. I imagine T would discourage me from being alone and want me to promise shit that I can’t promise. The tired one says, what the hell, I’ve been good for a few days and he’ll never know unless I decide to tell him…and destructo wants to get all riled up, delve into some dark, emotional depths by watching triggering movies, reading triggering books and nurture along some nice suicidal ideation to get things started. I’ve got a few days to do whatever it is I end up doing.
I’m starting to wonder if rebel me is sort of saying, “I’ll show you how benign those “emotion mind thoughts” are, if that is where this self destructiveness is coming from. Probably to some extent. I’m such a piece of shit.
