sisu

Sisu is a Finnish term that could be roughly translated into English as strength of will, determination, perseverance, and acting rationally in the face of adversity. The equivalent in English is “to have guts”, and indeed, the word derives from sisus, which means something inner or interior. However, sisu has a long-term element in it; it is not momentary courage, but the ability to sustain the same. To anthropologists^{[citation needed]}, it is an appropriate invention for a cold northern land, dotted by thousands of lakes, and long under threat of being overwhelmed, militarily, linguistically and otherwise, by more powerful neighbours. Similar concepts exist among other cold-weather peoples, such as the Inuit and Chukchi.    (thanks to wiki)

I am a Finnish-American.  My grandparents, who were the children of Finnish immigrants, spoke Finn. They had a sauna and every trip up north to visit always included taking a sauna.  Our family practiced a greeting ritual, which consisted of a hug and a handshake while “greeting” each other with the words God’s peace, or God’s greetings, in Finn for those of us who spoke it:  Jumalan Rauha, or Jumalan Tervehdys.

My grandma cooked mojakka and flat bread.  I was confirmed in the Finnish Apostolic Lutheran Church, where long services once a month were preached in finn and english.  The hymns were also sung in both languages and had a very distinct, melancholy air about them. Being Finn was an important part of my identity.

Sisu was also a word thrown around a lot.  Whenever a person demonstrated persistence and determination, my relatives would proudly proclaim, he/she’s got sisu!  Sisu was most definitely something that I wanted to possess.

And I have at times.

Right now I’m showing determination and tenacity in trying to conquer a simple lace pattern!  I’m using Elann Silken Kydd, a mohair type lace weight yarn.  I frogged it so much that I ruined half of one skein already between the knots that would form and the hairs being stripped off.

The pattern is just 3 stitches repeated…yo, k2tog, k1 , ending with a k1.

Simple, no?  But I keep making mistakes.  I tried to put it on a circular and the darn thing slipped off the needle when I was counting stitches…grrrr.

But I keep casting on and trying again.  Maybe that sisu is kicking in.

dbt/therapy, the scarf is done!

I finished the cabled scarf.  I made lots of mistakes but I didn’t rip it back unless it was really bad.

This is the pattern.

DBT/therapy yesterday.  Working on opposite to emotion action.  You use this skill when the emotion  you’re experiencing is not justified.  Now we are taught that all emotions are justified and valid, but sometimes an emotion will come on for no good reason.  It is those times that you would use opposite to emotion action.

There is a lot of stress in the house due to financial difficulties and DH’s lack of work.  He becomes controlling and explosive when he’s stressed.  I don’t like this.

In therapy, we talked about the marriage. Therapist was telling me how love behaves.  I’ll just say that I have no idea what it’s like to be loved.

brrrrrr!!!

Yea!  I made a mistake in the scarf that I’m knitting.  It’s an easy pattern, but I created an increase along the way, screwing up the cable’s.

I ripped it back about 5 rows successfully!  This has stopped me from pursuing knitting, me not knowing how to rip back and put the stitches back on the needles correctly.  I did it right this time!  I’m so happy!

The yarn is called Lava Heather and it really looks like lava.  Sort of like this: It’s sort of charcoal with a hint of bright red throughout, but not dominating the charcoal.  There are also little dots of red scattered here and there.   I don’t have a camera at the moment or I would take a picture of it.

The pattern has 3 criss-crossed cables surrounded by rows of ribbing in between.  It’s a nice, basic scarf.

Which would feel really good to wear about now that it’s -25 air temperature.  Coldest it’s been in 5 years.  I don’t even want to know the high tomorrow.  Probably -5.  It’s supposed to warm up into the teens and 20’s by this weekend, though.

DBT, knitting and therapy

DBT/therapy today.  Emotion Regulation module.  This weeks homework is looking at a specific event and the emotion/s that are triggered by that event.  Then we are to dissect the emotional response, what it does to the body, mind, behavior, how it affects ourselves and others.

My therapist is trying to get me to believe that I’m valuable just the way I am, even though I don’t work outside of the home or have a college degree.  This is going to be a hard sell, I’ve held the belief that I need accomplishments in order to be a person of value.

I shared homework in group.  I try to push myself a little bit in this area.  My natural inclination would be to disappear in the group.  I did have to talk myself into going, though.  My wake sleep schedule is still totally screwed up, and it is VERY VERY COLD outside.  The high today was -4.  But I went anyway.  I’m glad I did.

Speaking of cold, this year has been cold and snowy.  More so than in the recent past.  Lots of traffic accidents due to black ice, too.  I am used to dealing with snowy, slippery roads but not black ice.  Because it is so darn cold, the salt and chemicals that DOT uses for slick highways wont work, they have to use sand and that isn’t very effective either.

I’ve given up on the lace thing for now.  I’ve frogged the darn thing so many times the yarn is getting unusable.  I’m now working on a cable knit scarf and am doing pretty good on it!  I’m using merino wool from Knit Picks, Swish Worsted Lava  Heather.  I don’t have a cable needle so I’m using a wood dpn instead.  I need to go get a real cable needle, I think.  I’ve now learned how to do a cable cast-on and cables.

One nice side effect of learning how to knit is that it takes a lot of concentration on my part.  I need to be mindful of what I’m doing.  I need to participate in the experience.  I need to use my mindfulness skills in order to be successful in learning the task at hand.  So knitting is actually quite therapeutic for me.

DBT and knitting

DBT and therapy yesterday.  We’ve finished up mindfulness and are now on to emotion regulation.  People who are in DBT tend to live in emotion mind, and believe that feelings are fact.  Emotion regulation helps us to see emotions for what they are, simply emotions but not necessarily reflective of the truth.  Emotion regulation helps us take a step back before we react, so that we can read the situation more accurately.  At least that’s what I’ve gotten out of it so far.

For homework this week, we’re to practice urge surfing.  Urge surfing is pretty self explanatory, it’s when we have an urge to do a target behavior, whether that be taking drugs, cutting, yelling and screaming, hitting a wall for example, and instead we acknowledge the urge, and just watch it and ride the wave.  If we stay out of emotion mind, do not ruminate over the upsetting triggering event and merely watch and ride the wave, the urge will recede and vanish.

We are also supposed to practice alternate rebellion.  This one will be hard for me because my lifestyle tends to be alternate, so I’m now thinking that for me to be more “normal’ might be alternate rebellion.  Not sure, though.

And finally, we have a worksheet to do about a strong emotional event that we are to record the circumstances and reactions.

I’m still plugging away at learning how to knit lace.  I bought some merino lace yarn, needles and an instruction sheet from an online vendor.  The yarn alone was $18.  I’m used to buying yarn at Joann or Michaels, you know, the cheap stuff.  Imagine my shock when the yarn came in this itty, bitty little pile.  I paid $18 for THAT??  And it came in the form of a hank, as opposed to a skein so I had to wind it in a ball.

The yarn is gorgeous.  Margaret Stove yarn in Artisan Lace, Hyacinth, and an easy Margaret Stove scarf pattern sheet. This yarn is about the thickness of number 10 crochet cotton, so it’s really fine.  If I ever finish it I may post a picture.  I’ve already started and ripped it out 4 times.  Then I got smart and used another skein of baby yarn and worked out the pattern until I figured out my mistakes so the expensive yarn doesn’t get too worn and frayed.

I really want to learn how to knit lace, I’ve seen some beautiful, intricate knit shawls on the internet that I would love to be able to make.  My biggest trouble is that I’m not very good at tinking or ripping back when I make a mistake. I inevitably have to start over because of my lack of skill.  And I make really stupid mistakes, some are just missing a yarn over, or in the pattern reading.  I need to read an article on pattern reading because I think I know what I’m doing when I obviously don’t, I’m missing something basic.  I guess that is one of the hazards of being self taught.

So, as is typical for me, I’ve been consumed with knitted lace patterns, online yarn shops and the Caylee Anderson case.  I become obsessed and consumed with this new passion until I burn out.  I hope the lace thing doesn’t burn out, though.  It must be part of being bipolar.

One other thing.  I found yarn made of possum. New Zealand Possum to be exact.

Not as ugly as the possum’s we have here… I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting yarn made from this creature…

It was expensive,too. Apparently possum’s are a non-native species and are wreaking havoc in New Zealand, so they are making yarn out of the fur and the proceeds go toward the preservation of New Zealand wildlife…which means killing the little buggers, I think. Not too sure how I feel about that…