I’m not sure if my depression is taking on a new nuance or what is going on. I’ve been sleeping poorly in general lately. I finally fell into some good sleep on Wednesday morning and I did not wake up again until Thursday morning. This is the second time this has happened. I mean I was out, it wasn’t that I didn’t feel like getting out of bed.
In the mail was a bill from my dbt/therapist. I missed one session, did not give the 24 hour notice but I did call in. So now I owe $150 for that damn session. I agreed to the terms of the contract which states that no shows will have to pay but my god, this is ridiculous. Other places have this policy but they don’t charge nearly that much. Insurance doesn’t pay him that much. He even called me and asked if I had already informed him that I would not be there and stupid me was honest and said, no. I guess honesty gets you nowhere, I should have lied instead. I think that is why I am so pissed, he asked and I was honest about it and he cut me no slack for that honesty, and I have not missed any other sessions.
We’re buried in debt as it is. Now I have to figure out how and when I’ll be able to pay this and I don’t want to rack up more and more charges, so I’m not going to go back until I get that paid off. I have to admit that this decision is also fueled by anger and embarrassment. It feels like I’ve been punished.
My son had a choir concert tonight, and I went. I attended this school 20 years ago. I attended this school when I was being sexually abused, when I was drinking and doing drugs, when my family was falling apart. It’s hard to go there sometimes, haunting the same old halls digs up memories from the ancient past.
So after it was over, I went for another drive. Some asshole shot a paintball at my windshield when I was driving. I hope the bastard gets whatever the karma gods have in store for him big time.
I let it slip that I had a job interview to my sister. She called and asked about it. Now I have to tell my family, because she probably told mom also, and if mom knows I wonder if she told her sisters? Now that would suck. The whole damn family now knows that I’ve been deemed too stupid to stock shelves. Nice. It would have been nice to keep my shame to myself, but no, I had to shoot myself in the foot with this. I mean, how low can you go when you are turned down for such a no brainer of a job as this was?
This hasn’t been a very good day.
