tough times

We’re hurting financially.  This has been brewing for a few years and now that the economy is tanking and my husbands work has slowed, we find ourselves in a horrid financial position. All day long the phone rings from creditors looking for their money and we have no answers to give them.  There is none.  So we don’t answer the phone.  I know that you’re supposed to talk to them, but they keep demanding what we can’t give, there is no compromise, no “working with them” that I hear you supposedly can do.

I’ve made the decision to sell my guitar, and someone is interested, hopefully the deal will go through.  I’ve made the decision to sell my harp as well.  I’ll be putting it up for sale hopefully tonight, I’m hoping for a quick sale.

But even selling those things, which are most likely more valuable to me than the actual monetary value they hold, will not be enough.  It’ll be like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound.  It may buy us some time.

We’ve already downgraded our internet access.  We’ll be dropping cable.  We probably should have taken those steps months ago but we didn’t think things would actually get worse instead of getting better.

Christmas is coming.  My husband and I put our focus on the kids and don’t exchange gifts.  We’ve been doing this for years.  I don’t know what’s going to happen this year.

thanksgiving

All in all, Thanksgiving went well.  It was just me, my husband and our two sons.  My daughters spent today with their in-laws.  We’ll be having a get together with our side of the family on Sunday.

The turkey wasn’t dry, the gravy wasn’t lumpy…all in all it was a good meal.

After we ate, we watched the movie “Baby Mama.”  It was ok.  Then we watched a few South Park re-runs.  The boys loved that.

We may have found a buyer for my guitar.  We need the money.  It’ll be hard, though.  If it works out, I’ll have to say goodbye to it this weekend.

My initial response to the Effexor is pooping out a bit.  This is what usually happens.  If I get a response I get it early and it doesn’t last.  I will be upping the dose to 75mg.  I can go much higher if need be, I’ve been on 375mg before.

I’m trying to up the trazodone and decrease the seroquel, eventually stopping the seroquel.  Last night I took 200mg trazodone and it didn’t make me sleepy.  I’m wondering if the Effexor combined with the trazodone is lessening the sleep inducing side effect of the trazodone?  It shouldn’t, it’s worked in the past.  I’m getting an eye twitch so I’m paranoid it’s from the seroquel.  So I want to get off of it soon.

I’ve been faithfully doing biofeedback with the Buddhist metta meditation.  I’m going to look for another guided meditation to do, I’m getting bored with the lovingkindness one. That sounds awful!

DBT/therapy

DBT and therapy today.  We were given a homework packet called Caring For Yourself: Using self-compassion skills to decrease emotional suffering. I suppose like most people, I find caring for myself very unnatural.  My inclination is to bash myself to increase emotional suffering.  The DBT therapists were very good at validating this inclination and suggesting that the first step to change, whether it be attitudes, thoughts, judgments, etc, is to simply notice.  For example, saying to myself, I’m feeling shame, or I’m feeling judgmental, or whatever.

This noticing and non judgmental labeling and stance is the first step on the path of caring for yourself. I can do this.  When I first saw the title of the packet, my initial thought was “I can’t do that.”  I am unworthy of self care.  But I can notice, and name, and try to do it non-judgmentally.

I told my T about the biofeedback and he was pleased, to say the least.  I’ve noticed that since I dumped those meds, as the week wore on, I stopped having daily suicidal thoughts.  And what is the bigger surprise is that I am OK with not having suicidal ideations!  I don’t know why this change has taken place, and I don’t know how long it will last, but for the past few days I have been free from those thoughts and feelings. And I stopped being angry with my t for having me flush the meds in the first place.

Day 3 of Effexor.  I feel better today than yesterday.  I am noticing my angry outbursts and that seems to take the wind out of my sails.  This is good.  I hate my angry self.

living

I had more energy today.  It never hits me how low I’ve sunk until I begin to crawl out of the hole.  It felt good to participate in life today.

I worked on the embroidered pillowcases and my son’s afghan, got my hair cut, cleaned the coffee pot with LemiShine to get the hard water gunk out of it. Watched “Heroes.”  Clipped the Ancient of Day’s nails (our old Lhasa Apso). To me, this is participating in life.  Maybe it’s more of a state of mind rather than actual activities?  I’m not sure…

DBT and therapy tomorrow.  I’m going to tell my T about the biofeedback. I’m sure he’ll be pleased.  I did it again tonight, the results were not quite as good as last night.  The starting temperature was about 10 degrees cooler and I wasn’t able to increase it as much.  I was more anxious tonight, too.  But that’s ok, it takes practice, and every time I do it, I’m sure that growth occurs in some way.

Today was also day 2 of Effexor XR.  I’m on 37.5mg, and will increase to 75mg.  I felt less hostility today.  I really hate what I become sometimes, when my mood becomes agitated and angry.  I hate it.  I’m sure my family hates it.  I need to get a handle on this now.

biofeedback

When I was in rehab, I took an optional course in relaxation using biofeedback.  I’d forgotten all about it until this weekend.  I’ve been aware of the necessity of meditation and mindfulness in my life and really want to commit to practicing this daily, but I keep forgetting!  For some reason, the memory of those biofeedback classes came into mind and I bought a cheap, indoor/outdoor thermometer with a digital readout (one that cycles every 2 seconds is recommended) and most importantly, uses a wire.  Wireless thermometers will not work.

This is what we used in rehab, a cheap indoor/outdoor thermometer.  After inserting the batteries, we were instructed to tape (scotch tape, a band-aid, first aid tape, masking tape, whatever works) the wire to our index finger, not cutting off the circulation,  just snug enough to keep the sensor of the wire on the skin.  I don’t think it mattered which hand, right or left, just tape it on a finger.  After a few seconds, make note of the temperature readout.  The goal is to raise this temperature readout by the end of the guided meditation.

Then we were lead through a progressive relaxation exercise while seated in a regular chair, feet flat on the ground, eyes closed.  We were instructed to breath, but since concentrating on my breathing often times causes me to become breathless and panicky feeling, I instead try to focus on other sensations.

After a time, we were asked to glance at the thermometer and see if the temperature had risen.  I believe that we were to strive for getting a reading in the 80 degree range, but warned that it often times takes a few sessions before that happens.  The ultimate goal is to have an increase in the temperature of the finger.

Biofeedback has been proven to help in many different conditions, migraine, Reynaud’s Syndrome, ADHD, depression, and the list goes on and on.

Tonight I decided to begin my own biofeedback session.  I went to beliefnet.com and found an audio mediation; a Buddhist meditation on lovingkindness. My mind wanders so much I find it helpful to listen to guided meditations.  I used a band-aid to secure the wire on my left index finger. The initial temperature reading was 71.4.  When the meditation was done, the reading had gone up to 83!  Not bad, and this is a cold room, to boot!

With practice, the body will learn the relaxation response and react with just a slow, deep breath, for example, a 20 minute relaxation session wont be necessary to create the physical relaxed state.

My hope is that I’ll keep this up, and that I’ll notice a decrease in my mood swings and general stressed out state.

Claire

My new grandpuppy!

Claire is a 4 month old “tweenie” dachshund — a cross between a mini and a standard.  I met her tonight.  She’s a little dollie, a bit shy and reserved but seems assertive with her brother, Tulo, who is a standard dachshund, and almost a year old.

Ruby, my basset, died last April.  I still mourn her loss.  I miss her so much.

My boys keep pestering me for another dog.  We still have 2 with us, a lab/golden cross, my shadow.  She is an old lady now, 11 years old.  She is just now showing her signs of her age, her hips and shoulders are bad, she has a cataract growing in her eye.

And then there is our Ancient Lhasa Apso.  She is 16 years old.  This dog is healthy as a horse, never been sick.  But she can’t hear and her eyesight is going.  She is missing a lot of teeth, so many teeth that her tongue sticks out. She is as spry as any puppy and when she is feeling energetic, races around the yard, bounding like a young gazelle.  When she goes to jump on the couch however, she misses more than she makes it up.  She flings herself at the furniture more than jumps but she is never deterred…she either tries again or walks away.

It’ll be very sad around here soon, both of the girls are at the ends of their life expectancy.  If work stays steady for my husband, if the economy starts to heal, we may get another after ours pass.  I can’t imagine life without a dog.  Having a puppy may buffer the loss somewhat.  But only if we can afford vet care and related pet care costs.

I have not yet re-started the Effexor, but I have to soon.  My moods are swinging fast and hard.  All I want to do lately is numb out.  I guess the addiction monster has awakened.  Part of me is eyeing up what meds we have in the house and what I can take to stop me from feeling.  My mind seems to automatically go there, I guess that’s what addicts do.  I have nothing here that’ll do the trick.  This is good, I keep telling myself that this is a good thing but I really don’t believe that, tonight.

So I’ll start the Effexor again tomorrow morning.  I’ll refrain from doing anything stupid in an effort to numb out.  I’ll try to go through the motions of life.

Pristiq and med changes

I saw my pdoc today.  I told him about the bad time that I had with Pristiq, constipation like I’ve never had before, urinary retention, irritability and the hard crash when I discontinued.  I’m going back on Effexor XR again.  He said that the Seroquel is probably acting as a mood stabilizer and that we might want to keep that on board.  I’ve been wanting to discontinue due to risky side effects that I really do not want to get, TD being one of them.

So, I’m going to try taper down from the 100mgs to none, using Trazodone in it’s place.  Pdoc said it’ll be interesting to see what happens if I manage to do that.  If it is acting as a mood stabilizer we’ll have to discuss where we want to go next.

amends and changes

The anger and despair lifted a bit today.  I still have low energy and a lot of apathy, but I did feel an improvement today.

I need to humble myself and apologize to my DBT group. I made a blanket statement that was pretty offensive.  My intention wasn’t to offend, but I did and I need to apologize for it.  Not looking forward to that but I know that I need to do it anyway.

I also need to curb my judgmental attitude and practice a lot more compassion toward others.  In posts here I’ve been quite abrasive and judgmental toward others.  I can find better ways of expressing myself than name calling and put downs.  I have a feeling that once I do that, stop feeding that angry energy, the anger and judgments will subside and I will feel more positive in general.

I’ve also been contemplating practicing meditation regularly and with intention.  Mindfulness is one of the core principles of DBT.  I’ve been only doing it once a week in group.  I should be doing it daily.  It can only help, and I’ve read of the many positive benefits of mindfulness meditation, benefits that I really need.

I hope that I can practice what I’ve written about, I really need to.  Change is so hard, sometimes just remembering the changes that I’d like to make is difficult.  I can only do the best that I can do, lets hope I’m successful in this.

the ignoramous Michelle Bachmann strikes again

I’m so ashamed that she is from my state, the Idiot Michelle Bachmann.

Her incredibly stupid remark about the press investigating who is pro-American and who is anti-American, in particular Barak Obama, is on video.  There is absolutely no mistaking her meaning, or the context.

That idiot is now lying to Fox News, Hannity and Combs, I believe, and to the nation about her remarks.  She is now claiming that it is an “urban legend” that she said it.  Even when the evidence is presented to her face, she still tries to lie.

Why?  Why would she do that?  Who is that dumb?  I wonder if she thinks that because she was re-elected, those who voted for her either must be retarded or have short attention spans and have already forgotten.

I’m glad that Combs called her on it, and that MSNBC is reporting the story as well.  I hope other news outlets follow suit. I hope they keep reminding the people of the United States what Michelle Bachmann is all about so no one forgets.

The picture is Michelle herself hiding in the bushes at a gay rights rally in St. Paul.  Not sure who the guy is, but there she is, crouching down behind a bush, spying on them.  Nice, huh.  She has issues.

DBT/therapy, diary cards and ideations

I talked to my T yesterday and went to DBT and therapy tonight.  I’m glad that I didn’t drop out.  I can make impulsive, emotionally charged decisions sometimes, which is one of the reasons that I’m in DBT to begin with…

I forgot my DBT folder on the counter at home, so I had to quick fill out another diary card and today’s homework, which was challenging cognitive distortions.  Not my favorite thing in the world to do.

In DBT, we did a role playing exercise.  I partnered up with a guy who can be abrasive and a bit arrogant.  I hate role playing.  ihateitihateitihateit.  So when it came time for him to describe his experience,  he started to say something about based on a previous conversation he felt that I wouldn’t understand something…but he didn’t finish his thought.  I was loaded and ready to jump all over his ass but I didn’t.  Because the thought crossed my mind that he’s probably right, I’m too stupid to understand it and I didn’t want to demonstrate my stupidity to the whole group.

In therapy, my T had me clarify the meaning of my suicide rating on the diary card.  He specifically asked me what a 3 means.  (you rate your suicidality on a scale of 1 – 5 and put a check in the box if you acted on the urge.  The scale isn’t a rating of lethality or specific acts, it’s checking ideation if I’m understanding it correctly.) So I told him what goes on in my mind at a 3.  He then told me that he’s observed that when I get to a 4 or 5, I dissociate/enter into a dissociative state and he is concerned about that.

When I told him that 3 or 4 means taking inventory of hoarded meds and thinking that I could crush the pills and drink them with wine for courage he made me promise that I would flush what meds I’ve hoarded TONIGHT and then leave a message on  his pager telling him that I had done so.  He said that I should not have lethal means available to me period.  Shit.

So when I got home tonight, after the boys went to bed, I flushed them, and I had a lot of meds to flush and they didn’t want to flush. I had to flush the damn thing 5 or 6 times. Then I wanted to cry and I feel anxious and angry.  I should have kept my mouth shut. Then I called his pager.

Now what? I had a nice, low drama plan going.  I looked upon it as akin to the cyanide pill that double agents keep in the event they get caught, or that astronauts supposedly have in case things go terribly wrong.  Now I have nothing that sure and readily available.

Why in the hell didn’t I lie to him?  Why did I open my mouth about this?  I just need to know that when things get too hard, when I get too tired and can’t go on, when the time is right, I need to know that I can be done now.  That doesn’t mean NOW.  I had no immediate plan.  But I need to know that I wont hurt forever, that there will be an end to this, and now that’s been taken away.