…

positives:

• 30 minutes on the elliptical
• I stood up for myself
  
• I had a difficult discussion with someone today and I stood my ground
• looked up my kids grades and laid down the law

It’s getting easier to do those 30 minutes on the elliptical, I must be getting back into shape!

The bailout did not pass and I have no idea what this means for the economy. It sounds like chicken little is screaming that the sky is falling, and I guess that is partially true, the DOW certainly fell… I know nothing about economics.  I can’t really form an opinion about this.  I can only say that I’m not as freaked out about it not passing as I thought I would have been.  I tend to think that the House and Senate will get their acts together, if they can stop playing politics and think of the good of the nation rather than their electability in the next election that is.

I read an excerpt from the book, Eat, Pray and Love, about forgiveness and acceptance.  It was powerful, it spoke of the author doing a silent retreat, and in that space of silence,  she confronted the pain, hurt, anger and shame of her past, entered into the emotions and accepted them into her heart, lovingly and humbly.  It was a  very powerful description of coming to terms with those aspects of her self.

This is something that I need to do, embrace those aspects of my own self that I’ve tried to hide and suppress, and love them and accept them and forgive myself.

I also need to be open to letting go of depression and darkness.  I have defined myself as being depression.  I’m afraid to let it go.  It feels as if the darkness is all that I have and all that I am.

In DBT, we’re in the core mindfulness module again.  I keep forgetting to practice mindfulness, to watch my thoughts and emotions, using non-judgmental stance and bring my mind back to the present.  I wonder if I’ll have to stay in DBT forever before this finally becomes natural to me.

…

positives:

• 30 minutes of the elliptical
• I’m working on a sterling silver byzantine chain and it’s looking good
• my sons seemed to have a good day today
• supportive people in my life

I was up all night last night, researching news articles on Sarah Palin.  Trying to find the religious right’s endorsement and opinions of her performance in her interviews.  I didn’t find much.  I’m going to predict, like a lot of other people, that Palin does not participate in the upcoming debate.  Perhaps she will suddenly find the need to spend time with her family, perhaps there will be an emergency regarding her pregnant daughter.  But there is no way she can hold her own against Biden barring a miracle.

My sister, who lives in Alaska, loves Sarah Palin.  I haven’t
breathed a word about my feelings on this issue.  Politics can be so
divisive with emotions running high.  I don’t want to offend her.  So I’ve
learned not to discuss religion or politics with my family.  And I need
to tread carefully here, too, because I don’t want to offend others
with my beliefs.

In the news today, pastors across the nation were encouraged to endorse McCain from the pulpit, which is against the law and can put their tax exempt status in danger if they do so.  Some bone headed Christian organization thinks this is a free speech issue and wants to force a confrontation.  They want their cake and eat it too, I guess.  Fine, endorse a candidate but then pay your damn taxes.

The greed in many churches sickens me. Mega churches, televangelists, revival ministers in particular are  greedy bastards. Benny Hinn and his empire, multi million dollar homes, cars, jets, mega churches and their   land purchases, and god knows what else, the lavish lifestyles the pastors and church leaders lead.

What boggles my mind is that their followers continue to line the pockets of these corrupt organizations.  If people would simply stop tithing, they would go away.  Well, I suppose they have their assets invested and protected and wont be going bankrupt anytime soon.

I found some energy today and put in my 30 minutes on the elliptical.  The first 5 minutes and the last 5 minutes are a bear, but I felt good when I was done. But then I made rice krispie bars and ate a lot of them.

I’m making a byzantine weave bracelet with sterling silver rings.  It’s coming along nicely.  It has some weight to it.  It’ll be nice when it’s finished.  So far I have the flower chain, 2+2, and the byzantine weave down.   I may make some bracelets for the girls for xmas.

I wasn’t going to post anything political.  I can’t sleep.

I understand that Sarah Palin’s supporters are upset with the media in the way Palin has been portrayed.  I get upset when someone I admire is criticized, too.

I’ve read that they feel as if Palin is being asked questions that are deceptive and purposely difficult in an attempt to trip her up.

I’ve watched the Charlie Gibson and the Katie Couric interview.  I didn’t see anything out of line.  I thought that they were way too easy on her, in fact.  Because she is running for the office of VP, we the people are entitled to know how much or little she knows about the issues.

Our only way to ascertain her degree of knowledge and how she handles herself under pressure is to see her debate others and be interviewed.  All of the candidates should be thoroughly questioned and scrutinized, equally and without prejudice, so we the people can get a fair idea of who and what they represent.

I again want to express my outrage at the Republicans for putting our nation in danger by procuring Palin for VP. Palin is clearly out of her league.  Palin lacks the experience, intelligence, knowledge, maturity and character that the office demands. Palin’s lack of insight into the position that she clearly, unblinkingly stated she is ready to take demonstrates her ignorance and arrogance.  She doesn’t even know how unqualified she clearly is.  That makes her very dangerous in my opinion.

McCain is a Senior Citizen who has had 5 separate melanoma’s removed from his face.  Melanoma is not a minor cancer.  I believe the average life expectancy of men in the US is 75.  It is very much in the realm of possibility that Palin would become president if they win the ticket.

That terrifies me.  Palin’s opinions of truth and justice are not mine.  Palin’s knee jerk, don’t blink reactions to crisis seems immature and dangerous, lacking in common sense and reason that seems to me would be necessary traits of a powerful leader.

That she has so many fans really scares me.  There are so many who want her in power because they feel she will do the will of God, and I don’t worship her god.  I don’t want Palin’s values inflicted on me.  I don’t want Palin the war goddess sending my sons to war because of her ignorance and intolerance.

…

During one of my therapy sessions, we were discussing the difficulty that I have getting outside, and how alone I am.  My t said that it would be easier if I had someone to walk with.  I told him that there is no one, there simply is no one.

He told me that I could ask someone in the group.  I could never do that.  I’m not close to anyone in the group.  And I wouldn’t ask anyway.  I think the root of this is that I believe that I am unworthy of support and help.

I can’t see it changing, ever.  In this area of my life, there is no hope to be had.

Does it really matter why I am this way?  Do the reasons need to be teased out?

I am so terrified of letting people into my life, yet I am miserable, lonely and dying in this life that I presently live.  My life is a paradox, it seems, never to meet in the middle.

I canceled my pdoc appointment yesterday.  I did reschedule, but I should have gone.  I was filled with anxiety regarding the appointment and I’m not sure why.  I couldn’t face pdoc for some reason.  I’m getting more reclusive, too.

There are lots of stressors right now, financial being a huge one.  My son’s tdoc behaved in a very unprofessional manner regarding ending therapy and HIPPA.  She refuses to return my calls regarding some records of mine that she has and I want her to fork them over.  I’m upset with her.

When I feel stress like this, my inclination is to hide, to retreat into myself and shut everyone out.

I will try and get outside tomorrow.  It’s supposed to be nice out. I want to play my harp but my DH is here and I don’t want him to hear.  It’s never bothered me before, but I don’t want him to see my vulnerability at all, and playing the harp exposes a part of me that I want protected.  Probably makes no sense, but that is how I feel right now.

…

Enough politics for now.

Here’s some catching up…

I’ve been practicing a lot of urge surfing (a DBT skill actually) these past few weeks.  I want to do anything to stop me from feeling.  What is it about feeling that I’m so damn afraid of anyway?

The extremely large demon that I struggle with the most is the notion that I am utterly and completely alone in this world.  That I cannot reach out to others and ask for support or companionship or a sympathetic ear.  This has been a lifelong struggle that I need to change.

It’s like there are two of me battling, the one who needs others in her life and the me who is terrified of being hurt and rejected and becomes paralyzed by fear.  I guess there is another me that is destructive and beats down my attempts at recovery. I’m beginning to sound like I’m Sybil…

When I’ve visited web forums that I belong to, wanting to connect with others, that old fear of rejection and the belief that I’m unworthy of support rears it’s ugly head and my mind goes blank.  I’ve been unable to fight through it and can’t think of what to post. Sometimes, a lot of the time actually, I just feel lonely and need to connect and something stops me from reaching out.

On the spiritual side of life, I’ve been making some progress.  Music played a huge roll in my spirituality many years ago, and it’s playing a roll in bringing me back, years later.  I’m redefining my concept of God and Spirit, letting go of the intense anger and resentment that I’ve held against my old church and understanding of God.

I’ve been plunking out old worship songs on my harp, songs that I loved and that I don’t associate with the fundamentalist dogma of the church.  It’s been a wonderful experience.

…Palin’s God

After watching the McCain – Obama debate today I have to say that if it weren’t for the Palin factor, my opinion would be fairly neutral.  I have to question the Republicans motives for choosing Palin.  It downright pisses me off that they would potentially put our country in peril if something happened to the Senior Citizen, melanoma ridden McCain as president.

If I’m reading  her religious views correctly, Palin honestly believes that she is doing the will of God by agreeing to be on the ticket.  I’m imagining that the Republican bigwigs think that if she became president, she would become their puppet.  They aren’t taking into consideration the totally blurred line between politics and religion that people with beliefs similar to Palin’s hold, the fundamentalist Christian beliefs they have been praying that our country will adopt and the laws and restrictions that they want to enact.  Think Focus on the Family.

What boggles the mind is that she and her fans actually think that God would want an ignoramus like her in office. God would not want a more qualified, experienced, educated person who can put a coherent sentence together.  One who can follow a train of thought to completion.  One who actually prepares for interviews rather than relying on God to miraculously enter data into her brain.

I do not feel an ounce of pity for her nor do I feel sorry for her.  I cannot imagine what ran through her delusional mind when she was approached by the Repubs to be VP.  Perhaps she had no idea what the office of VP entails.  For her to assert with no hesitancy that she is ready for the job reflects on her absolute ignorance and her arrogance.

I’m beginning to wonder if this is the way that fundamentalism has taken over other countries, by placing unqualified, ignorant fundamentalists in office who’s agenda is completely to do the will of God as they understand Him.  My God, I hope it doesn’t happen here.  Sarah’s God is not my God.

hee hee

I found this on Boing Boing - thanks to Rob Beschizza

This is hilarious!

…more wtf…

positives:

• 30 minutes on the elliptical
• I had more energy today
• I made a good spaghetti dinner
• nice weather

I watched new footage of Couric’s interview with Palin today.  When asked why she felt that her close proximity to Russia gave her foreign policy experience, Palin again opened her mouth and inserted both feet.

The woman doesn’t make any sense.  She doesn’t even speak well.  She said something about running Alaska’s highest executive office, and then rambled on about Putin rearing his head and Russia flying into Alaskan air space…something about Canada being a neighbor…

This is how I envision Palin’s brain capacity to be, like that of the Neanderthal:

This is what I understood her foreign policy with regard to Russia to be:

My question.  Is McCain going to cut his losses and dump her anytime soon?  This is getting silly.

…

positives:

• beautiful weather
• I sat outside for awhile
• I went grocery shopping
• I watched Bush address the nation

Well, it’s positive that I actually watched Bush address the nation.  Not the content of his speech.  Is it just me, or did he recently wax his uni brow?  I swear I saw a 5:00 shadow between the bushy little buggers…

I don’t understand enough about politics or the economy to give an opinion, but I am alarmed.  I am disappointed in McCain for wanting to cancel the debate on Friday.  I think this is purely a political move on his part and I hope it backfires.  I would like to see Palin’s feet to the fire on the issues without the Republicans crying foul.  They all need to be grilled on the issues so we can see who is most qualified.

I sat outside today for awhile.  DH made it difficult.  He was smoking and I had a migraine so it really bothered me.  He doesn’t care.  He thinks that as long as he’s outside he should be able to smoke wherever he wants without regard to others.  He came right up to me with a lit cigarette at one point and I told him to get away from me with that. He got mad.  I don’t care.

McCain – Palin ticket

Oh my god.  I just watched the Palin – Couric interview.  Has anyone checked to see if McCain is suffering from dementia?  Or if anyone has put anything in the Republican big wigs kool aid?  The woman knows about as much about politics as I do, but I at least have the sense to know I am unqualified for office!

And now McCain wants to cancel the debate on Friday.  Why?!  Is he unprepared?  Afraid to go up against Obama?  Does he really think that anyone actually believes that his presence in the senate is vital to the salvation of the economy?  Come on.  Now more than ever we need to hear from the candidates on this issue.

Letterman just said over and over again that what McCain should do if he feels it necessary to be present in the senate is to send your second in command to take care of things.  You know, have Palin debate Biden.  I would like to see that myself. Oh, but that would be sexist.  Biden would address the issues, Palin would skirt the issues, the moderator would press for answers and the repubs will cry foul.

Why did he choose Palin of all people??? Mr. Melanoma chooses her.  The odds that she actually gets to be president if they win are a little too high for my comfort.